GILBERT ARENAS REALITY SHOW
On August 19, Gilbert Arenas called into WJFK’s ‘Big O and Dukes’ show and spoke about the possibility of his own reality show: “Ya know, it’s funny. I got a — you ever seen the show, ‘Rob and Big?’ The producers want to do a reality show on me — the first NBA player to do a reality show. But then I thought about it — I was like, my life is really not that exciting. Ya know, so, I’m thinking about it, because, ya know, I have players like Nick [Young], who’s goofy, so we can do paintball shooting and see who can get hurt on the grotto jumping into the pool…”

And now…thanks to some unscrupulous member of the media…details of Agent Zero’s reality TV show has been leaked on the Internet. I actually don’t have a problem with this because I suspect the show wasn’t really “leaked” but was real-fake-leaked in a clever PR stunt…all six episode summaries below…I, for one, plan on watching the show just to see Gil’s million-dollar pool and the Vasectomy episode.

Season 1 | Episode 1: “The Bed and Breakfast”

Gilbert Arenas is determined to open a quaint Bed and Breakfast called ‘Nacho Pillows,’ except he has no money after installing a million-dollar poolside grotto. So after meeting with his financial consultant (Dominic McGuire in glasses), Gil decides to hold a big ol’ garage sale. Overwhelmed by the amount of miscellaneous junk he has in storage, Gil calls in his good friend Nick Young to help him sort through the mess. They attempt to catch a bullhead shark with BBQ tongs. Hijinx ensue.

Season 1 | Episode 2: “The Birthday”

Gil turns 27 and receives a Terra Wind Amphibious RV from all of his teammates. (Well, except for Pecherov — he opts out of the group gift to buy Gil a previously viewed “Avenging Angelo” DVD.) Darius Songaila tries to organize a secret post-shoot around party for Gil, but Coach Eddie Jordan quickly squashes those plans because they have a game later that night. Furious, Songaila quits the team, flies back to Lithuania, and gets into the hotel management business.

Season 1 | Episode 3: “The Big City”

The Wizards take a bite of the Big Apple when they travel to New York to play the Knicks. After an embarrassing loss to the hometown team, the Wiz try to relax with a dinner at Andray Blatche’s favorite haunt, the macabre Jekyll & Hyde Restaurant. But the good times are shortly interrupted when Brendan Haywood becomes convinced there is an evil spirit trapped in his pumpkin tortellini. Gil eats the meal to prove him wrong. The next day, they all go to a taping of The View.

Season 1 | Episode 4: “The Vasectomy”

Gil thinks about getting a vasectomy, but it proves to be a tougher decision than he initially thought. Pecherov has unsteady hands. Meanwhile, DeShawn Stevenson calls in sick to work on his own Wikipedia page. (”DeShawn Stevenson, born April 3, 1981 in Fresno, California, is a warrior, man, a true warrior.”)

Season 1 | Episode 5 | “The Race”

Gilbert and Nick head to a professional car race to check out the new Indy Car team Gil just bought a stake in (Team Phantom). Nick begs Gil to let him take the car for a spin, but Gil says no. (”You’re horrible at Mario Kart, Nick!”). Of course, that doesn’t stop young Nicholas. While Gil is busying singing the national anthem, Nick takes the car out onto the track and somehow ends up in the race. He finishes fourth.

Season 1 | Episode 6: “The Fast”

Can Caron go without Mountain Dew for an entire day? That’s what Gilbert wants to find out. Gil tells every Wizards player, coach, trainer and vendor one very simple message: “Don’t give Caron a Mountain Dew.” It’s a long day, but in the end the All-Star forward logs 24 extreme-beverage-free hours. Unfortunately, though, by the time the fast is over he’s addicted to crack. Caron fails a drug test and is suspended three years. The Wizards fail to make the playoffs. Gil hosts a progressive rock concert in his solarium.

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Delinda Lombardo
delinda@athlebrities.com