*Publishing Notice*
I’m taking a few days off…I’ll resume posts Thursday the 26th…Go Nuggets.

RAFAEL BEATS THE SWISS-MISS

“Congratulations to Rafa,” Federer said. “What he has achieved is fantastic.” Music to my ears…it feels so good to write…Rafael Nadal beat Roger Federer to win his third straight Monte Carlos Masters title. Our sexy Spaniard now has a clay-court winning streak of 67, making this the 5th consecutive clay-court spanking he’s delivered to the Swiss-Miss.

Rafa and his biceps have become the first player, since 1971, to win three straight Monte-Carlo titles. The only other players to win the title three times in the Open Era are Bjorn Borg (1977, 1979-80) and Thomas Muster (1992, 1995-96). Isnt it just grand when our tapa makes history…if only they had a waited a few more months before releasing Rafas book…and what I wouldn’t pay for my rusty Wonder Twin powers to kick in and transform me into…the…form…of…anything close to Rafael’s mouth…

CHELSEA

Ouch…Chelsea missed their chance to cut Man-U’s lead in the Premier League to a single point on Sunday when they managed a 0-0 draw at Newcastle United. With four games left, United are top on 82 points and Chelsea have 79. Chelsea, hopefully, will cause Man-U call to scream “daddy” when they meet at Stamford Bridge on May 9.

INTER MILAN: SCUDETTO

Inter Milan and it’s glorious roster of fine men, beat Siena 2-1, earning their 15th Italian serie A football championship. Marco Materazzi and his tats scored two goals to help Inter move 16 points ahead of second-place AS Roma, which lost at Atalanta 2-1 in a Totti free game.

RORY SABBATINI & BANFIELD PET HOSPITAL

It’s easy to win hot points with me, help a kid or an animal and your status is golden. And PGA Tour beast Rory Sabbatini is definitely 14k. Banfield, the world’s largest private veterinary practice and Sabbatini have announced they are extending their ‘Pet Hero Tag’ sales to raise dollars for the Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund. The Hero Tag campaign initially kicked off February 1, 2007 and its success has inspired the partnership to continue until the end of the year. The limited edition “Hero Tags” will continue to be available for sale at all of Banfields veterinary hospitals around the country. “My family and I are quite proud to be part of such a noble effort,” says Rory Sabbatini, who placed T2 at the 2007 Masters, 2006 Nissan Open Champion, and the #12-ranked player on the 2006 PGA TOUR. “We appreciate Banfield’s support and look forward to carrying on our partnership for further success of the Hero Tag campaign.” Sabbatini has been a big supporter of the Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund since 2005. In less than two years, his efforts, along with the efforts of the PGA TOUR, have raised in excess of $500,000. Hero Tags are available most Banfield Pet Hospitals for $2 each-with 100 percent of the revenue dedicated to the Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund.

WARNING SIGNS PILING UP

Remember in February of 2006, when Sebastian Telfair was caught with a gun hidden in his pillowcase aboard his teams’ plane? Well I do. And I was really disturbed that his punishment was a lousy fine and 2 day suspension. I was even more disturbed that the incident flew well below the media radar. Now in a Celtics jersey instead of a Trailblazers, Sebastian Telfair was arrested Friday (4/20) after the po-po stopped him for speeding and found a Loaded handgun under a seat in his SUV. The 21-year old Mensa reject was stopped at about 4 a.m. on the Bronx River Parkway in Yonkers, N.Y. after being clocked at 77 mph in a 45-mph zone in his Range Rover. Since Telfair didn’t have a valid license, the po-po impounded & searched his SUV, where they found the gun. Telfair used the oldest and lamest excuse in the book, he didn’t know anything about the gun- the gun that was visibly sticking out from under the passenger seat, in his car…

TOM BRADY, HIS COWBOY HAT & SPERM
On Friday, Coty Inc. formally announced that it has signed Tom Brady to an endorsement deal for Stetson fragrances. In response to the N.Y. gossip column that said Brady “demanded a huge trailer and refused to wear a cowboy hat” in his first ad shoot for the brand, Boston Herald gossip columnists Fee & Raposa cite friends of Brady’s as saying that “the divo-ish behavior described in the N.Y. Daily News doesn’t add up.” Patriots Exec Dir of Media Relations Stacey James: “I have never heard anyone utter a negative word about Tom.”

And this is where the king of all things politically incorrect, Bill Maher comes in. On Fridays show, the 420-friendly host discussed, among other things, how “Magazines often get it wrong”. Maher held up a copy of Sports Illustrated (the Politically Incorrect version) which read: ‘What’s Wrong With Tom Brady’s Sperm?’…assisting those who have been living in a cave, Maher added, “He impregnates a lot of women”.

GET OFF YOUR THRONE
King Lebron James has canceled his ‘King for Kids Bike-a-thon’ scheduled for June 30 because he’s just too busy. The events which James is using an excuse to dis the kids? His second child in due mid-June, the Cavaliers are in the playoffs (and will lose) and he is building a new home. His publicist said, “The bike-athon simply cannot take place without LeBron. It’s too much.” Whatever King James. You’re not gonna win the playoffs, the baby is unlikely to be born on the 30th, and I don’t see you building the house yourself. If you seriously can’t climb off your throne for one day, then you really aren’t the man we thought you were.

MARADONA UPDATE

Diego Maradona was transferred Saturday to a private psychiatric clinic where he is to undergo treatment for alcohol addiction after being hospitalized twice in less than a month. Alfredo Cahe, personal physician to the furry Argentine soccer stud, said the beast elected treatment at a private clinic that specializes in dependency treatment. “He himself decided on this choice … to enter the clinic,” Cahe said on the Argentine broadcast network Todo Noticias.

As always, thanks for reading. Delinda
delinda@athlebrities.