LANCE IS CLEARED

I wonder if Bode the mouth Miller has heard the news? Dutch investigators hired by the Int’l Cycling Union issued a report that cleared Lance Armstrong of doping allegations during the ’99 Tour de France. The report said that drug testers “had mishandled Armstrong’s urine samples, so any positive results fail to ‘constitute evidence of anything.’” No dah!

CRACKING THE ROCKIES CODE
Are they or aren’t they guided by God? Several Rockies players “reacted negatively to the portrayal of their clubhouse” in the USA Today story that ran Wednesday. The article “stressed the importance of Christianity,” saying that “character, not religion, is the critical factor.” Rockies hotties Jason Jennings and Todd Helton were quoted in the story “supporting the … premise regarding religion’s role in the clubhouse.” Jennings said the story “was misleading.” Helton added, “I wouldn’t say it was accurate. (The writer) asked me about the guys in here and I said it’s a good group. We work hard and get along well.” Aaron Cook said, “I have never seen a Bible (out in the open) in our clubhouse. Most of the guys on this team are Christians, but not all of them. And the fact is you don’t build a winner around just Christians. … You need the best players. I think the story was an accurate portrayal of the front office. But as for the players, it was just way over the top.” Does this mean you guys are okay with premarital sex?

AMBULANCE CHASING REGGIE BUSH
According to the LA Times, the FBI has opened an investigation into San Diego-based New Era Sports & Entertainment and its attempted recruitment of Reggie Bush. Attorney David Cornwell, who is representing the Bush family, said that he “had a ‘lengthy’ phone call with an FBI agent last week.” Cornwell: “They’re definitely investigating federal crimes, but they didn’t identify which crimes or which federal statutes are involved.” Cornwell added that he “planned to help the FBI arrange interviews with Bush and his parents.” However, San Diego based ambulance chaser attorney Brian Watkins, who represents New Era Sports & Entertainment called the suggestion of an FBI investigation ‘ludicrous’ and ‘a media ploy.’ Watkins also said, “neither he nor his clients had been contacted by the FBI and he suggested that Cornwell was using his own personal contacts to stir up an inquiry.” Watkins has said that his clients plan to sue the Bush family for $3.2M, which includes $300,000 in business-related expenses plus punitive damages.

ROCKING IN DETROIT

Hot, hot, hot, Kid Rock is always supporting the Pistons. Detroit fought back against the Miami Heat in game five of the Eastern Conference Finals last night at the Palace and defeated the Heat 91-78. The Heat leads the series 3-2, but don’t count the Pistons out just yet. The old school, badass, inner-city ball playing Pistons can win the series if they keep it turned on. Either way, watching Shaq take on Big Bad Beautiful Ben Wallace is enough to keep me cheering for either team.

SUNS WEEK?
One team I’m not cheering for are the Suns. Why? Several reasons, one of which involves an ape. Yesterday, Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano proclaimed the week to be “Suns week.”

With the NBA Playoffs coming to a head, presidents from the remaining clubs participated in a lighthearted Q&A with Sports Business Daily Staff Writer Brad Pinkerton.
Q: Who do your fans tend to gravitate toward most that we might not expect?
A: (Suns) How about Mike D’Antoni, Robert Sarver and The Gorilla?
A: (Pistons)Tayshaun Prince — the teenage girls love him. A team with four all-stars, and Tayshaun is the guy girls love.

Q: Who on the team (or in the front office) has the most interesting talent off the court?
A: (Mav’s) Everyone knows that Dirk [Nowitzki] plays the saxophone, but Marquis Daniels is an incredible dresser. He would say his fashion sense and his sense of style is pretty unique. Although, [Jerry] Stackhouse would give him a run for his money on that one.
A: (Pistons) Rasheed is a great artist. He’s an extraordinarily talented painter and artist.

CHELSEA

Chelsea have inked hot Ukrainian striker Andriy Shevchenko to a four-year deal for a club record fee, believed to be around 30 million pounds. Shevchenko is arguably the hottest finisher in European football. And for 30 million pounds, he’d better be. “I am here for the challenge and the excitement of playing in the Premier League. Chelsea is going for their third Premiership as well and I like the club’s mentality of wanting to win every game they play.” I’m purring with excitement. In the above photo, Shevchenko holds stamps with his image during a press conference in Kiev 23 May 2006. The stamps were printed by Ukraine’s postal service to promote the upcoming World Cup 2006.

U.S. SOCCER PIN-UP BOYS
Hot U.S. soccer players Landon Donovan, Oguchi Onyewu, Clint Dempsey, Marcus Hahnemann and Jimmy Conrad appeared on ABC’s “Good Morning America” today to hype up the World Cup. Sexy Donovan on the attention: “It’s nice man. We haven’t had this before. 2002 wasn’t like this, and now we’re on ‘Good Morning America’ before we leave, so it’s cool.” Landon is also featured in a Q&A with Greg Lalas in this month’s (Oh!) Penthouse, where he says he does not want “to be out doing young people’s stuff all the time.” When Lalas points out that “must not mesh very well with being the poster boy for U.S. soccer,” Donovan responds, “I could pretend to go out and be crazy and bring more attention to our sport, but that’s not me. I’m happy with where I am in my life, with what I do.” Guess I’m off to the adult bookstore today.

WORLD CUP

Now this is what I’m talking about! If France’s Djibril Cisse doesn’t make your pulse race and your libido flutter, something is wrong with you. New rule: World Cup games must be played topless.

Edmilson may be hanging with Wayne Rooney during the games. The hot Brazilian announced his resignation from the national football team due to an injury in his right knee. Edmilson cried during the heart-breaking news conference and explained that examinations showed he would not be able to recover in time to play in the World Cup.

Speaking of that little bulldog, Rooney attended a training session today where Britain’s Prince William (L) made an appearance. What would bring a Prince to a field? England’s Peter Crouch did a bizarre-goal-celebration dance the other day, and the Prince had to see it first hand. “The Crouch” is all the rage right now and currently sweeping England faster than the Macarena assaulted us. Prince William was given a personal demonstration of “The Crouch.” And yes, David Beckham was there laughing.

WHAT GOES ON IN GERMANY, STAYS IN GERMANY

Ivan Klasnic and Josip Simunic (R) of Croatia’s national soccer team greet each other after arriving with their team at Hanover airport.

STRETCH IT OUT BOYS

Italy’s national soccer team star Francesco Totti is driving me absolutely nuts! Veni qua me amore! (R) Italians Vincenzo Iaquinta, left, and oh-my-god, Francesco Totti can NOT sit like that. I would like to concentrate on the games and not obsess over how to get to Germany to find Totti.

Germany’s hot goalkeeper Jens Lehmann stretches my libido to it’s limit during practice at the LTU Arena stadium in Duesseldorf, while another one of Germany’s treats, Oliver Kahn (R) stretches my imagination.

LEAVE YOUR WEAPONS, BUT BRING YOUR COCK!

It’s a big, wide, wonderful, world out there and it gets more interesting by the minute. This graphic illustrates security measures in the stadiums for the World Cup. You can’t bring in “arms, dangerous objects, or alcohol.” You can however, bring your own cock. This French soccer fan brought his cock to a friendly match between France and Denmark at the Bollaert Stadium in Lens, northern France, Wednesday May, 31, 2006. He then took it home, killed it and ate it with a fine white wine.

That’s it for now. As always, thanks for reading. Delinda